I must have been
sitting there for while. However long I cannot tell. The street was silent and
all I could hear was the wind. My thoughts were silent. Nothing. My phone rang.
It was Suni.
"Well done
Mr Johnson. Clap for yourself."
I was too tired to
even argue. "You found her?"
"Of course
I found her. I'm her best friend."
"Oh.... yea.
Thanks..." I was fumbling. All of a
sudden, this wasn't as important. Guilt stabbed my heart at this realization.
"Thanks?
What the..."
"I'm happy...
she's OK right?" I tried to add
some emotion and excitement to my voice.
"Shafa
Johnson! What the hell is wrong with you. 5 mins ago you were disturbing my
life to find Yale now you're giving me this... nonchalant attitude?"
"Suni, I'm
just tired... I'm happy Yale is OK. I assume you won't tell me where she
is."
"Well..."
"Yea I
figured. It's OK. So far she's fine, I'm happy. I'll give her some breathing
space..."
The heavy sigh I
heard from Suni was very... understandable.
"You guys
are just something else. I don tiya. I'm going home. Please don't call me for
ANYTHING.. before you fast track my babies arrival. Abegi. Carry your family
woes FAR from me... " she kept
on raving about premature births, heart problems, funny toes, I didn't even
hear. My mind was trying to figure out my mode of action with this thing. A lot
of things started to come into perspective with Ronke.
"I'm
going. Bye" Suni didn't even
wait for my reply. She hung up.
I folded the papers
in my hand, stood up, locked my door and headed to the car.
Ronke has
some...Well.. WE have some talking to do.
***********************************************************************************
I want to ignore the
call. I mean... I KNOW why he is calling...but I'm not sure I'm ready for this.
I knew this moment was going to eventually come.. but argh... I pick up.
"Yea...?"
"Ronke...."
he paused. I wasn't going to
encourage him to talk. After a bit I think he realized this.
"Ronke I'm
outside..."
Aw man.... Deep
breaths Ronke. Deep breaths. "Oh...OK."
I walked to the
window "Erm... do you want me to come out or......"
I know he's very
uncomfortable around me.
"Nah..
I'll come in.........................." he paused for a brief moment then added "Or
rather... can I come in?"
Wow..Mr Nice guy. "Yea...
the doors open." I had walked to the door and unlocked it. I didn't
open it however. I really wanted EVERYTHING to be his call this time. I walked
to the living room ans sat down. And I waited. No turning back now.
He entered the house
and walked to the couch adjacent to mine. I didn't move. I just watched
him. It's all you babe.
He sat down...and we
just looked at each other. Could've been a minute could've been five.
"So...
that's why you terrorized my life."
I laughed before I
could stop myself. Great intro Mr Johnson. I just laughed and shook my head. "I
guess."
He sighed
really loud and adjusted his seating position so he was leaning forward with both
his hands, which were supported by knees, covering his mouth. His eyes never
left me. I can't remember the last time Shafa looked at me for this long, with
this much... interest. I was tempted to savour the moment.
"Why
didn't you say anything Ronke?"
Why didn't I? Well
since its I've got his undivided attention. Might as well seize this rare and
probably last opportunity.
"What did you
want me to say Shafa? Abi what do you want me to say?."
My heart was
beating faster because I was about to bare it. No censors, no holding back.. I
would be nervous too.
"I went crazy
I know. I mean, I didn't know how else to handle myself. I fell hard for you
Shafa. I fell hard... but obviously you didn't care.. and why should you. After
all you were head over heels in love with my cousin. I was just... an in
between, you know. In the mean time. And you know what that's fine. It's
not like I didn't know what I was getting myself into. But common, you mean not
one ounce of emotion was felt for me? I find that hard to
believe..."
I looked at him, but
I wasn't expecting an answer... So I continued.
"When
you finally showed some interest in me, I really wanted to make you
happy. Hell I was ecstatic myself. Shafa Johnson found me attractive. You don't
even know what that did to my ego! And you fed it well! I don't know what it
was, but the way you looked at me, the way you spoke to me, you made me laugh
and then when we finally..."
I didn't want to have
to spell out our relations, but what the hell I need him to KNOW.
"You took my
heart Shafa. You probably don't remember because it was nothing for you but...
I remember EVERY single moment. I remember what you wore. I remember what you
said right before you kissed me and I KNEW..." I laughed at the vivid memory.
"I knew I was
getting some that night. I was ready anyways. I remember how you even smelled.
As in... Shafa that was when I KNEW I was going to go crazy if I lost you. Even
though I knew I never really had you. But you slept with me Shafa... and you
were NOT faking. Everything I felt from you was not a sham. I know this.. and..
I know you know it too."
He hadn't taken his
eyes off me. I still had his attention.
"I had to
preserve or recreate that moment... I was in love with you and you know what...
I wasn't ready to face the fact that you didn't love me... and what we had was
...nothing. So when I found out I was pregnant. I was ecstatic before I was
anything else. I thought at least now you know... maybe... but of course...
that wasn't the case. You had already started to brush me off. Treat me like
dirt. At first I thought you were just being moody but it got worse. You were
just detached. It was obvious you didn't even like my face. and that confused
the hell out of me. How does one bare so much of their emotions on one
night and then be all of a sudden repulsed at my very presence the next. It
broke me. So in one of my random spontaneous depressive moments right before I
left Miami to come back. I aborted the baby and decided you weren't worth my
time or emotions."
He flinched a little.
I saw it.
"Well it
wasn't like I was ready for a kid anyways." I adjusted my sitting positions because somehow that
admission made me embarrassed.
"So when I
left, I shut the door on everything I felt about you. But then you moved back
from Miami and all of a sudden everything just went in full circle. I was back
to where I was. But this time. We are all present. Yale is here, you are here,
and I am here. I know I have no chance against Yale. She has everything. But I
just wished.. I just hoped that maybe... you know..............."
All of a sudden, just
as soon as I started, I was soon out of words. I didn't know what else to say.
"Wow." Shafa sighed it. With a lot of energy.
"Ya."
He sat back in his
chair and used his fingers to pinch his nose. Obviously he was tensed.
"I...
I'm...I'm speechless."
"I
understand." I felt restless
sitting down waiting for a verdict so I stood up. "Want a drink?"
He nodded. I
decided to give me a moment alone with his thoughts.
I needed a moment a
lone with mine anyways.
***********************************************************************************
I had answered all my emails. Given they weren't
lengthy responses, but they answered the questions and addressed all the
purposes of the emails My work was done. My fingers hurt but my body was
relaxed. I leaned back in my chair and looked at my screen. I closed the window
for the emails and opened a new browser. I typed in the Google search box.
"Cheating Boyfriend".
I know... I know. Googling advice is NEVER a good
idea... but somehow I felt I might find some good points in there. Only 2 pages
Yale. NO MORE...
I clicked the first result. Signs of a cheating
boyfriend...
This should be enlightening.
***********************************************************************************
He had had gulped his
glass of water. It was finished before I had settled back into my seat.
"I'm very
sorry Ronke.."
I sipped my water. I didn't
want apologies. "Thanks.... I guess?"
"No for
real, I'm sorry. I should NEVER have..-"
"Let me just
stop you there. Before you commence in crushing the pieces of my already broken
heart. I know... I wasn't your greatest decision I get that no need to
emphasize it..."
"No you're
getting me wrong...."
"Am I?
Shafa you want to apologize for ever being with me.. but you KNOW you are
not sorry for that moment..."
He stared at me...
and I knew I had made a point.
"You still
think of that night... whether or not my crazy side has turned you off in the
recent months, you still think of what happened between us."
"Ronke....."
"Tell me
honestly that it was nothing."
He stared at me. I
waited.
"Was
it?" I wanted an answer at least to
silence my own demons.
"No."
I was confused... "No...
as in...?"
"No it was
not nothing Ronke...you hear?"
He ran his hands over his face..."Are you happy?"
Yes. I was happy. At
least I know I wasn't and am not crazy.
"But...
you KNOW I love Yale. I love Yale more than anything in this world. I've always
loved her. What we had...." he
paused. " It was a mistake"
.............Aaaannnddd
the happy moment is over.
"It was a
terrible mistake. And the consequences are .. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to rope
you in, I didn't mean for this to happen. It was really selfish of me. I'm
sorry you had to do what you do and I really wished you had told me,....."
"And what
will you have done? Swooped me into loving arms? C'mon... you wouldn't have
wanted that baby either. I did what benefitted both of us." I felt the bitterness coming back up. The one that I had
used to protect myself all this time. I hated being this vulnerable and this
one moment I have decided to bar my emotions I'm getting ripped apart. Reflex
bitterness was coming back to protect me.
"See Shafa...
the point is I want closure that's why I wanted to tell you about everything. I'm
not expecting you to all of a sudden want to be with me, I know it won't work.
And quite frankly I'm tired of exhausting my emotions on trying to relive that
one moment in Miami. I just want closure. Now you know. I'm good. "
I stood up. I wanted
to get away. He grabbed my hand...
"Ronke..." he stood up. He was really close. I wasn't with heels. I
forgot how tall he was standing right next to me. "Please
sit"
"I can't
Shafa..."
He took my other
hand.. "Please" he turned me to face him. I had to look
at him.
"Let's
finish talking...we need to."
No turning back
Ronke. I sat back down.
"Honestly
Ronke. No bullshit, be real with me...... What do you want?"
I don't know!!! I
wanted to shout. I thought I knew all this time. But recently I've realized
wanting something that isn't yours is just really time and energy consuming. I
guess I just want answers
"Do you have
ANY feelings for me? As in ANYTHING... or is it just... hate?"
"Ronke I don't
hate you...I mean you irritate the hell out of me... but.. I don't hate
you."
"Ok.....?"
"If you
are asking if I'm still attracted to you... the answer is No. I not. I DO
remember the night we spent together... I can't forget it.. but for me it was
only physical....I...I'm sorry...."
He was still holding
my hands... I looked at them.
The weird thing is...
I knew he was telling the truth. See, with Shafa, everything is sincere.
I guess that's fine.
I mean... what was I expecting? A proposal?
"That's OK
Shafa... "
"I can
manage my attraction Ronke, but you GOTTA manage your emotions too. I love Yale
and I really don't want to fuck whatever else we have left even further. I want
to marry her. I want HER to have my kids....."
They all cut deep.
All his words.. but it was bitter sweet.
Because for the first
time in a while, I had closure. No more wishful thinking, no more
fighting...just understanding.
"You're
right... I understand...."