S2. W22 Closure

I must have been sitting there for while. However long I cannot tell. The street was silent and all I could hear was the wind. My thoughts were silent. Nothing. My phone rang. It was Suni.

"Well done Mr Johnson. Clap for yourself."

I was too tired to even argue. "You found her?"

"Of course I found her. I'm her best friend."

"Oh.... yea. Thanks..." I was fumbling. All of a sudden, this wasn't as important. Guilt stabbed my heart at this realization.

"Thanks? What the..."

"I'm happy... she's OK right?" I tried to add some emotion and excitement to my voice.

"Shafa Johnson! What the hell is wrong with you. 5 mins ago you were disturbing my life to find Yale now you're giving me this... nonchalant attitude?"

"Suni, I'm just tired... I'm happy Yale is OK. I assume you won't tell me where she is."

"Well..."

"Yea I figured. It's OK. So far she's fine, I'm happy. I'll give her some breathing space..."

The heavy sigh I heard from Suni was very... understandable.

"You guys are just something else. I don tiya. I'm going home. Please don't call me for ANYTHING.. before you fast track my babies arrival. Abegi. Carry your family woes FAR from me... " she kept on raving about premature births, heart problems, funny toes, I didn't even hear. My mind was trying to figure out my mode of action with this thing. A lot of things started to come into perspective with Ronke.

"I'm going. Bye" Suni didn't even wait for my reply.  She hung up. 

I folded the papers in my hand, stood up, locked my door and headed to the car.

Ronke has some...Well.. WE have some talking to do.

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I want to ignore the call. I mean... I KNOW why he is calling...but I'm not sure I'm ready for this. I knew this moment was going to eventually come.. but argh... I pick up.

"Yea...?"

"Ronke...." he paused. I wasn't going to encourage him to talk. After a bit I think he realized this.

"Ronke I'm outside..."

Aw man.... Deep breaths Ronke. Deep breaths. "Oh...OK."

I walked to the window "Erm... do you want me to come out or......"

I know he's very uncomfortable around me.

"Nah.. I'll come in.........................." he paused for a brief moment then added "Or rather... can I come in?"

Wow..Mr Nice guy. "Yea... the doors open." I had walked to the door and unlocked it. I didn't open it however. I really wanted EVERYTHING to be his call this time. I walked to the living room ans sat down. And I waited. No turning back now.

He entered the house and walked to the couch adjacent to mine.  I didn't move. I just watched him. It's all you babe.

He sat down...and we just looked at each other. Could've been a minute could've been five. 

"So... that's why you terrorized my life."

I laughed before I could stop myself. Great intro Mr Johnson. I just laughed and shook my head. "I guess."

He  sighed really loud and adjusted his seating position so he was leaning forward with both his hands, which were supported by knees, covering his mouth. His eyes never left me. I can't remember the last time Shafa looked at me for this long, with this much... interest. I was tempted to savour the moment.

"Why didn't you say anything Ronke?"

Why didn't I? Well since its I've got his undivided attention. Might as well seize this rare and probably last opportunity.

"What did you want me to say Shafa? Abi what do you want me to say?."

My heart was  beating faster because I was about to bare it. No censors, no holding back.. I would be nervous too.

"I went crazy I know. I mean, I didn't know how else to handle myself. I fell hard for you Shafa. I fell hard... but obviously you didn't care.. and why should you. After all you were head over heels in love with my cousin. I was just... an in between, you know.  In the mean time. And you know what that's fine. It's not like I didn't know what I was getting myself into. But common, you mean not one ounce of emotion was felt for me? I find that hard to believe..." 

I looked at him, but I wasn't expecting an  answer... So I continued.

"When you  finally showed some interest in me, I really wanted to make you happy. Hell I was ecstatic myself. Shafa Johnson found me attractive. You don't even know what that did to my ego! And you fed it well! I don't know what it was, but the way you looked at me, the way you spoke to me, you made me laugh and then when we finally..."

I didn't want to have to spell out our relations, but what the hell I need him to KNOW.

"You took my heart Shafa. You probably don't remember because it was nothing for you but... I remember EVERY single moment. I remember what you wore. I remember what you said right before you kissed me and I KNEW..." I laughed at the vivid memory.

"I knew I was getting some that night. I was ready anyways. I remember how you even smelled. As in... Shafa that was when I KNEW I was going to go crazy if I lost you. Even though I knew I never really had you. But you slept with me Shafa... and you were NOT faking. Everything I felt from you was not a sham. I know this.. and.. I know you know it too."

He hadn't taken his eyes off me. I still had his attention.

"I had to preserve or recreate that moment... I was in love with you and you know what... I wasn't ready to face the fact that you didn't love me... and what we had was ...nothing. So when I found out I was pregnant. I was ecstatic before I was anything else. I thought at least now you know... maybe... but of course... that wasn't the case. You had already started to brush me off. Treat me like dirt. At first I thought you were just being moody but it got worse. You were just detached. It was obvious you didn't even like my face. and that confused the hell out of me. How does one  bare so much of their emotions on one night and then be all of a sudden repulsed at my very presence the next. It broke me. So in one of my random spontaneous depressive moments right before I left Miami to come back. I aborted the baby and decided you weren't worth my time or emotions."

He flinched a little. I saw it.

"Well it wasn't like I was ready for a kid anyways." I adjusted my sitting positions because somehow that admission made me embarrassed. 

"So when I left, I shut the door on everything I felt about you. But then you moved back from Miami and all of a sudden everything just went in full circle. I was back to where I was. But this time. We are all present. Yale is here, you are here, and I am here. I know I have no chance against Yale. She has everything. But I just wished.. I just hoped that maybe... you know..............."

All of a sudden, just as soon as I started, I was soon out of words. I didn't know what else to say.

"Wow." Shafa sighed it. With a lot of energy.

"Ya."

He sat back in his chair and used his fingers to pinch his nose. Obviously he was tensed.

"I... I'm...I'm speechless."

"I understand." I felt restless sitting down waiting for a verdict so I stood up. "Want a drink?"

He nodded.  I decided to give me a moment alone with his thoughts.

I needed a moment a lone with mine anyways.

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I had answered all my emails. Given they weren't lengthy responses, but they answered the questions and addressed all the purposes of the emails My work was done. My fingers hurt but my body was relaxed. I leaned back in my chair and looked at my screen. I closed the window for the emails and opened a new browser. I typed in the Google search box. "Cheating Boyfriend".

I know... I know. Googling advice is NEVER a good idea... but somehow I felt I might find some good points in there. Only 2 pages Yale. NO MORE...

I clicked the first result. Signs of a cheating boyfriend...

This should be enlightening.

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He had had gulped his glass of water. It was finished before I had settled back into my seat.

"I'm very sorry Ronke.."

I sipped my water. I didn't want apologies. "Thanks.... I guess?"

"No for real, I'm sorry. I  should NEVER have..-"

"Let me just stop you there. Before you commence in crushing the pieces of my already broken heart. I know... I wasn't your greatest decision I get that no need to emphasize it..."

"No you're getting me wrong...."

"Am I? Shafa  you want to apologize for ever being with me.. but you KNOW you are not sorry for that moment..."

He stared at me... and I knew I had made a point.

"You still think of that night... whether or not my crazy side has turned you off in the recent months, you still think of what happened between us."

"Ronke....."

"Tell me honestly that it was nothing."

He stared at me. I waited.

"Was it?" I wanted an answer at least to silence my own demons.

"No."

I was confused... "No... as in...?"

"No it was not nothing Ronke...you hear?" He ran his hands over his face..."Are you happy?"

Yes. I was happy. At least I  know I wasn't and am not crazy.

"But... you KNOW I love Yale. I love Yale more than anything in this world. I've always loved her. What we had...." he paused. " It was a mistake"

.............Aaaannnddd the happy moment is over.

"It was a terrible mistake. And the consequences are .. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to rope you in, I didn't mean for this to happen. It was really selfish of me. I'm sorry you had to do what you do and I really wished you had told me,....."

"And what will you have done? Swooped me into loving arms? C'mon... you wouldn't have wanted that baby either. I did what benefitted both of us." I felt the bitterness coming back up. The one that I had used to protect myself all this time. I hated being this vulnerable and this one moment I have decided to bar my emotions I'm getting ripped apart. Reflex bitterness was coming back to protect me.

"See Shafa... the point is I want closure that's why I wanted to tell you about everything. I'm not expecting you to all of a sudden want to be with me, I know it won't work. And quite frankly I'm tired of exhausting my emotions on trying to relive that one moment in Miami. I just want closure. Now you know. I'm good. "

I stood up. I wanted to get away. He grabbed my hand...

"Ronke..." he stood up. He was really close. I wasn't with heels. I forgot how tall he was standing right next to me. "Please sit" 

"I can't Shafa..."

He took my other hand.. "Please" he turned me to face him. I had to look at him.

"Let's finish talking...we need to."

No turning back Ronke. I sat back down.

"Honestly Ronke. No bullshit, be real with me...... What do you want?"

I don't know!!! I wanted to shout. I thought I knew all this time. But recently I've realized wanting something that isn't yours is just really time and energy consuming. I guess I just want answers

"Do you have ANY feelings for me? As in ANYTHING... or is it just... hate?"

"Ronke I don't hate you...I mean you irritate the hell out of me... but.. I don't hate you."

"Ok.....?"

"If you are asking if I'm still attracted to you... the answer is No. I not. I DO remember the night we spent together... I can't forget it.. but for me it was only physical....I...I'm sorry...."

He was still holding my hands... I looked at them.

The weird thing is... I knew he was telling the truth. See, with Shafa, everything is sincere. 

I guess that's fine. I mean... what was I expecting? A proposal?

"That's OK Shafa... "

"I can manage my attraction Ronke, but you GOTTA manage your emotions too. I love Yale and I really don't want to fuck whatever else we have left even further. I want to marry her. I want HER to have my kids....."

They all cut deep. All his words.. but it was bitter sweet.

Because for the first time in a while, I had closure. No more wishful thinking, no more fighting...just understanding. 

"You're right... I understand...."